The Pioneer Newsletter #5
Monday, October 16th
Introduction Paragraph(s):
A story about - the moment.
We can’t help ourselves from thinking about it instead of living in it. We’re able to plan for days. Strategize for an eternity. Fictionalize our future and construct narratives so perfectly dramatic, we’d only believe it to be a movie - because most likely it is one. I’m not sure art reflects life and vice versa as much as we simply want it to. In reality, the grand moments we all hope for, are never as romantic as we set out for them to be. While our thoughts can synthesize an entire courtship into a meet cute or tedious hard work into a great montage - the moment our lives changes forever is rarely, if ever, just a moment. It’s not the destination but the journey. Got it? Now time for the story:
I met a man in line for the restroom Tuesday night who showed me the consequence of trying to live out fantasy. He hit fast forward - forgoing steady courtship and hard work - and bravely attempted to create his moment, only for the actual moment to reveal how mercilessly ordinary it was instead. The ordeal happened at the Aero Theater in Santa Monica. I was there to see Dream Scenario - the third leg of the Nic Cage Thought Experiment Trilogy1. With it being an advance screening put on by the San Antonio Spurs of arthouse, A24, the crowd had a certain Silverlake je ne sais quoi about it. Plenty of vegan sambas and even more incredibly unvegan leather jackets. In line for a pre-screening piss, I met the man in question. He was unassumingly ordinary for a crowd trying hard to be anything but. A 20-something volunteer for the theater, currently tasked with toilet line operations - a restroom czar if you will. While I waited, we spoke about the film’s director, Kristoffer Borgli. I mentioned how surprised I was to see such a crowd for a young director with just one feature to his name. While Borgli has been on my radar - as I’ve recommended a short film of his in a previous newsletter - the hipster energy in this theater would have you believe the second coming of Robert Altman had risen from the ashes. The restroom czar disagreed. “I circled this one on my calendar as soon as they announced it.” Borgli was his guy. No two ways around it. Luckily for my new friend, not only were we at screening for the film but also a Q&A with Mr. Borgli immediately after. It was during the Q&A portion of the evening that the restroom czar’s dream scenario… instead turned nightmare.
Before I go any further, I’d like to mention that a surprise guest joined the director for the Q&A - the film’s star, Nicolas Cage. In a leather suit and rose tinted aviators, Cage busted through the back doors and strutted down the aisle as the crowd lost its damn mind. Bedlam in eastern Santa Monica. This has nothing to do with the story other than to say, THE STAKES HAD RISEN SIGNIFICANTLY.
The moderator began asking both Borgli and Cage questions about the film. After a few, he opened it up to the room. “You sir,” the moderator said whilst pointing towards the very back. I turned around and there he was - the bathroom czar. He stood up and began strutting down the aisle just as Nicolas Cage had done moments before. “I just have one question for you Mr. Borgli…” the czar said, now a few rows from his seat. “What’s it gonna take for YOU to make a movie with ME?” The room went silent. The inertia sparked by the great film and the subsequent surprise appearance of its star - a man who’s both switched faces with John Travolta and kidnapped the President - was completely halted. A few oofs and bruuhs were heard before Borgli collected himself and hit back with a classic Hollywood parry - “You’ll have to talk to my agent.” The crowd chuckled and the moderator moved on as quickly as he could. But the bathroom czar was still standing there, his humiliation on full display, right in the middle of the damn aisle. Because not only did he decide to ask for a job unprovoked, but he also emerged from his seat and cat walked up 5 rows whilst doing so. It reminded me of a scene in National Treasure: Book of Secrets when Mitch Wilkinson (Ed “GOAT” Harris) interrupts Ben Gates (Cage) during a presentation about his great great grandfather, Thomas Gates, and questions his great great grandaddy’s heroics during the Civil War.2 But this man was no Mitch Wilkinson (Ed “GOAT” Harris). Because his fate was a sad and shameful walk back to his seat as the night moved on without him. I turned back around, a few minutes later, to check up on the poor guy. The czar’s face was frozen. Surely in disbelief that Mr. Borgli did not respect his gusto. But why the hell would he? While quite ambitious and brave, he obviously displayed a severe lack of awareness. Clearly, nobody has informed the bathroom czar that luck is when preparation meets timing (wink). He had prepared very little, not even thinking to mention his exact role in this collaboration, and his timing - immediately following the surprise appearance of Nicolas Cage - could not have been worse.
But we all know exactly how the bathroom czar felt as he moped back to his seat. While I’d love for this blog to be a cultural bible about the do’s and dont’s for the modern man - I’m in no position to look down on my new friend too harshly. Any readers who know me well are well aware that a David Foster Wallace sized book can be compiled from all the dumb shit I’ve said or sent. Regardless, the bathroom czar’s embarrassment can still teach us an incredibly important lesson. There’s a world of difference between planning and preparing. Planning is easy. Planning is romantic. We can fantasize about what it might be like to climb the mountain but the guy with no toes actually did it. Preparation is hard. It’s actual work - most of it mind numbingly repetitive. Preparation is sacrifice and it’s neither romantic nor serendipitous. But prepare enough and maybe your instincts will guide you to important moments that come just before life altering change. These moments may seem serendipitous, but it’s no dumb luck. Kristoffer Borgli asking the bathroom czar for his email would be dumb luck. So unlike our friend, the bathroom czar, let’s try to keep our heads down while we diligently prepare. Trust that we’ll feel the wind hit our sails. And when it does, capture the very opportunity our past has rewarded us with - the moment.
Bryce Harper: Pros and Cons
The Texas Rangers, Houston Astros, Arizona Diamondbacks, and Philadelphia Phillies. I generally could not care less about any team currently in the pennate. The Rangers play baseball in the world's largest wedding tent. The Astros have somehow become the Mel Gibson professional sports3. I don’t hate the Diamondbacks, but until they revert back to purple and teal, they’re a Triple A squad as far as I’m concerned. And above all else, I refuse to root for a warm weather team in October. No chance. So by the process of elimination and the solar properties of the equator, I am required to root for the Phillies. And I’ve sort of come around on the team. Citizens Bank Park is electric, Nick Castellanos has phenomenal steez, and the clubhouse has a real Wade Boggsian energy that’s thoroughly entertaining. But the best argument for becoming a Phillies fan this October, is bearing witness to Bryce Harper’s Fiji Water-pure swing and historic dual-pipe exhaust. So before I fully hop on the Phillies bandwagon, I thought I’d do my due diligence and compile a highly researched pros/cons list on their star player. Here are the pros and cons of Bryce Harper.
Pro:
Bryce Harper was the number one overall pick in the 2010 MLB draft. Sports Illustrated compared him to LeBron James, referring to Harper as “The Chosen One." Two years later, he debuted in the majors and won the NL Rookie of the Year at just 19 years old.
Con:
Bryce Harper named his first born child Krew.
Pro:
Bryce Harper has won two NL MVPs (2015, 2021) and is a 7-time All Star.
Con:
He didn’t even go with Crew. Bryce Harper named his child Krew.
Pro:
This buck-as-all-hell tunnel fit.
Con:
His second child is named Brooklyn, which is slightly more acceptable. I say this in comparison to what he named his first child. Bryce Harper named his offspring, a real human being with emotions, Krew.
Pro:
Bryce Harper’s foundation, Harper’s Heroes, has participated in providing support and once in a lifetime experiences for children fighting cancer.
Con:
Bryce Harper has participated in the dangerous trend of parents naming their child Krew. The name’s steady growth in popularity is rivaled only by the great Krew spikes of the early 2000s. Popularity spikes that anthropologists have hypothesized were greatly due to the large amount of boning to the music of Limp Bizkit and Smash Mouth.
Verdict:
Eh…
Recs:
No recommendations this week, folks. I’ll never force them. I’ll let you know when something’s really hittin.
Conclusion Paragraph
I didn’t meet my hero this week. I’d chalk it up to a little too much time with a podcast in my ears or Hinge airplaying up on my 75” television. Instead I’ll speak about Hamm’s Beer. Ever had it? Until Friday night, neither had I. A few of us ended up at Tiny’s Hi-Dive in Santa Monica. The crowd was a little odd. They all seemed to resemble extras from that Avicii music video at the roller rink. What were these time travelers from 2012 drinking? Hamm’s Beer. Because it seemed to be the drink of choice the night, we decided to indulge as well. It was just five bucks for sixteen ounces of Hamm’s. In a town where a gallon of gas will run you seven, that’s one of the b____ d_____ in all of s_____. We then found a booth and cracked open our frosty blue cans. What immediately followed were unprecedented levels of banter (or crack for my Irish readers). But it wasn’t the Hamm’s crispy finish or its alcoholic properties that enlightened our evening. It was instead its far more intrinsic properties. I could speak on its classic label, great price, and near-perfect timing but when it comes down to it - Hamm’s just felt like an old friend from a simpler time (not to be confused with the also cool and cheap Simpler Times lager). At that booth, there was perfect harmony between aluminum and man. Carbonated poetry at its finest.
Nick Cage Thought Experiment Trilogy: Adaptation (2002), The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022), Dream Scenario (2023)
Why question the heroic acts of code cracker Thomas Gates? Mitch Wilkinson has a fragment of a letter that paints Thomas Gates as member of the KGC (Knights of the Golden Circle) and a conspirator of the Lincoln assassination. Was he? Or was his name simply written down by the KGC as he possessed knowledge of a mystical city? Ben Gates knows the only way to prove Mitch wrong and restore the Gates family name is to find Cibola - the city of gold.
Easily forgiven for heinous acts. I compare the media’s coverage of their 2022 World Series win to Gibson’s press tour for Daddy’s Home 2.