What I'm Drinking This Hanukkah

My Seasonal Drink Guide

This has nothing to do with Hanukkah. In fact, it’s far more Christmas heavy than anything else. But it does have to do with the structure of Hanukkah. There are 8 nights which allows me to write a cocktail guide that consists of EIGHT drinks. The more the merrier, right? Okay, now I’m just getting the God’s wires crossed. And why not? This year, the festival of lights begins on the evening of December 25th. Check your calendars, folks. Last time I checked, that’s the first and only night of Christmas. That means y’all get a BOGO deal on cocktail guides. So here it is. From the newsletter that brought you What I’m Drinking This Summer comes…What I’m Drinking This (non-denominational) Hanukkah.

Night 1

Kirkland Eggnog Liqueur aka The Patriotic Pour

You’ve just arrived at wherever you're heading these holidays. It’s well past cocktail hour. The last meal you had was a $14 industrial sized bag of Cheez-Its from Terminal D’s MSNBC cafe. You’re thinking upon arrival, maybe you should take it easy. Equalize. Get a few good meals in and rest up before the family affair. But then you open the fridge. It’s staring right at you. A 2 liter vat of Kirkland Eggnog. A couple of ice cubes and a finger won’t kill nobody. And bang. You realize what the mad scientists at Costco have been waiting for you to realize all year. This is way too good, there’re 2 liters of it, and it will either ruin your life or start your holidays off just right. The Kirkland Spiked Eggnog is the low lift ask of spirited spirits and because of that - the most American. It’s convenient, highly caloric, and supplied in 2 liter vats. But goddamn…if that silky liquor isn’t delicious.

Night 2 - Dry Martini aka The Roger Sterling

Your best fit is on. And while one night of hanging your J Crew Giant Fit Oxford failed to de-wrinkle it, it’ll play amongst family nonetheless. You lace up your boat shoes. They’re new. The last time you wore boat shoes was at a Dave Matthews Band concert in 2013. But boat shoes are now kinda back and you’d like to prove this. So when the clock strikes 6:30 and the drinks start shaking, you’re interested in pairing this Camelot-curated vibe with a drink that meets it. Enter Roger Sterling. Chief Debauchery Officer at Sterling Cooper Draper Price. His drink of choice? The Dry Martini. It’s the cocktail where some tucked-in tradition gets in bed with a flair of after hours panache. I prefer gin but Roger would say otherwise. I’m no snob. Tanqueray or Titos will do. Absolutely ripe for holiday consumption.

Night 3 -North Coast Brewing Co. Scrimshaw Pilsner aka The Counter Lean Classic

The boat shoes absolutely landed. The martini set the tone. Congratulations, your menAURA this Hanukkah has been established. But what now? How must we continue the smooth sailing once we’ve hit our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet? Enter our dear friends, fermented barley and hops. You venture to the fridge and try your very best not to make eye contact with the vat of Kirkland Eggnog. A dark brown glass bottle with a nautical blue label calls your name. It’s a Scrimshaw. The perfect sipper as you casually lean on the kitchen counter and break down Russillo’s Meghan Markle story with your uncle.

Night 4 - Boulevardier aka The Godfather Part II

Let’s dig deeper, shall we? While there’s something deeply uncomfortable about demanding a bar cart B-side off the bat, you’ve covered your core curriculum and it’s time to declare a major. You’ve got options here. How much are you willing to hunt for ingredients? After all, any great cocktail should drink like it’s shaken, without fuss. But you stumble upon some sweet vermouth. An orange in the fridge. Some leftover Campari from Labor Day. The Negroni beckons to you just like the pastels in your closet. But today is not its day. While a holiday Negroni is well within your rights, you’ve decided to give the cocktail a cold weather update. If the Negroni is The Godfather - a studied Italian American classic. Try swapping out that gin for some Elijah Craig bourbon. Possibly a Bullet Rye if you’re feeling shifty. You’re now sipping the sequel. A little taste of Michael Corleone up at the Tahoe house. If just slightly more unconventional and ambitious, its sprawling nature builds on the perfection of your staple summer cocktail. Just remember to stay true to your proportions. 1.5 parts whiskey to your 1 part Campari (or Contratto) and sweet vermouth. Rim your glass with that orange garnish for a holy shit aromatic experience.

Night 5 - Chardonnay aka The Non-Negotiable

I’ll have to break from the second person for just a moment as my non-negotiable could very well be negotiable for you. I have no animosity towards a full body Pinot Noir. No disdain for the cheeky Cab. But for whatever reason, pairing just about anything with a glass of red spells chemical disaster in the AM. So I’m a McCarthyist when it comes to wine drinking. Acutely aware of the red scare that lingers. It’s either a dry-ass Chardonnay for me or no dice. I rec’d it in the summer and it’s back here now. Because I don’t give in and neither should you. When it comes to the protection of your brain security, don’t negotiate with vino-terrorists. Channel Giamatti and stand your ground.

Night 6 - Heineken aka The Lager Nextdoor

Maybe you’re at the tavern or at least in your buddy’s finished basement. It’s no time to be picky but you’ll still need to maintain vibe levels. You see some black cherry white claws making the rounds and think back to when you thought The Chainsmokers were good. It was a different time in life that need not be revisited. But in the back of the mini fridge sits a couple of bottles of Heineken. Its quality and oozing style is no secret but its constant presence can largely go overlooked. That is until you grab it, sip it, and think to yourself…I gotta get more Heinekens in the rotation.

Night 7 - Shot of Fernet aka The Chein Ming Wang

A sense of community is either building or quickly crumbling. Shots are suggested by a chaos agent within your cohort. You’re not scared, though. Such as ’08 Yankees legend Chein Ming Wang, you’re feeling dangerous as well. So you take this suggestion a step further. Tequila? Vodka? How mundane. It’s time to convene the Tortured Substackers Society and break out the Fernet. It’s filthy but an absolute hit. The chaos agent lines up another round. But then you remember the fate of Chein Mein Wang. The year was 2008. OG Inter-league Play. Bud Selig’s America. When pitchers used to hit the damn ball. Wong was up to bat and bunted his way on base. Jeter then smacked a single to left. Wong, deep in uncharted waters on the base path, tears a muscle in his foot rounding third. Hobbled for years. His windup never the same. So you decline the second round of Fernet. Some OG interleague play is good for the soul but not to the detriment of your sipping motion. The chaos agent might be heading to the disabled list. But you know better.

Night 8 - Eggnog Brandy Alexander aka Ms. Serendipity

The holidays are all but over. You did the work. The fits played. The topical jokes landed. The subtle lies you told about your job went unnoticed. It’s time to relax. Kickback. Watch a flick. You venture onto the Max app and land on Serendipity. You haven’t seen it in a while but 01’ Kate Beckinsale is convincing enough. You get to the scene when she and John Cusack are at the ice cream parlor NAMED Serendipity. They’re enjoying delicious milkshakes as forbidden love grows stronger. It gets you thinking. You wouldn’t mind a friggin’ TREAT. So you pause the movie, just before Cusack starts drawing constellations on Beckinsale’s forearm (as if that’s not cheating). You crack open the freezer. No ice cream in sight. You check the fridge for alternative confectionary options. That’s when you lock eyes with it, once again. The Kirkland Eggnog Liqueur. You two met what now feels like ages ago. You thought you’d never see that 2 liter wholesale vat again. But in middle of the night, here you two are. It must be…serendipity. So you grab the nog and decide to get even more ambitious. Just a little more indulgent behavior can’t hurt. Enter the Brandy Alexander with an eggnog twist. All you’ll need is your grandfather’s haunted bottle of brandy, some spiced rum (possibly a Mount Gay), and that Kirkland Eggnog Liqueur. Equal parts everything. Shake for froth. Garnish with cinnamon. Just be careful with your parts. Every ingredient in this drink packs a punch. The last thing you need to pass out mid movie and wake up to Jeremy Piven reading an obituary.

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Conclusion House Keeping

Turned in my Pioneer late this week but I’ll be back with my annual Boxing Day Spectacular. Until then, happy holidays to you and yours.