The Ultraissance

what is michelob ultra?

Michelob Ultra is everywhere.

I’ve been thinking about it since I caught the first episode of Landman. Let me explain. The show opens with a hooded man, tied to a chair in a barn. A cartel member is beating the pulp out of him. The heavy then walks in. He’s got a great ponytail. Some Spanish is spoken between ponytail and the henchman but no subtitles are provided. My initial guess is a standard “What’s going on here?” followed by “We put a hood on this guy and started punching him.” Well, whatever is said - ponytail doesn’t like it. BANG. Shoots the henchman right in the head. “So…You think you own this land?” ponytail asks the hooded man. Now ponytail is quite the character. Imagine a classically trained Mexican born actor doing a racist white guy doing a Mexican accent. Now imagine, for some reason, this schtick kinda works. “We have the rights.” The hooded man replies. By this point, I’m absolutely sure the hooded man is Billy Bob Thornton and yup, it is. Billy Bob is Tommy Norris, our titular landman. Turns out this is a drilling negotiation. Norris represents MTex Oil and they want to drill on land the cartel uses to run drugs. The terms of the deal Tommy Norris offers are pretty standard. MTex Oil will pay the cartel to build rigs along with a service road and the cartel can use this service road to run drugs. A classic, I scratch your back, you don’t shoot me in the head like that other guy situation. Ponytail signs the papers and leaves. Tommy makes it back to his truck by sunset. There’s some voiceover about how big the oil and gas industry is. How dependent the world is on its increased production. Norris ends it with a real dramatic “That’s the scale…that’s the size of this thing.” I think the man behind Landman Taylor Sheridan (of Yellowstone and Sicario fame) is really commenting on Paramount’s dependency on their own personal oil and gas industry - Taylor Sheridan. But that’s beside the matter. What matters is Sheridan’s next parcel of script. What Tommy Norris does after escaping his own episode of Cartel Shark Tank. Sitting in his truck, just a tad shaken, Tommy Norris cracks open a Michelob Ultra and downs it in sub-five seconds. Woah. But wait…I THINK HE’S GOT A SECOND ULTRA IN THE COOLER JIM. Yes, Tony Romo. He does have a second Michelob Ultra in the cooler. Tommy Norris finishes this one even quicker than the first. Time to drive home. Cut to the opening credits.

I can’t believe I got you to read a 400 word summary of the first six minutes of Landman. All of it just to say…

Michelob Ultra truly is everywhere.

How exactly did this happen? Once a spot up shooter off the bench, Michelob Ultra has now surpassed its big brother Bud Light in annual draft and bottle sales. But more importantly, it’s the beer of choice for fictional landmen after a rough day at the office (or at the scary cartel barn). I find this important. Somehow Michelob has taken a hold of a culture war on fermented carbs. One that’s fought on golf courses and bartops. And I’m not speaking about idiotic boycotts or Kid Rock unloading a clip into a tower of Bud Light. This culture war feels far bigger. Our coronation of Michelob Ultra, the new king of light beer, feels reflective of social life altogether.

Ironically, Michelob is and has always been brewed and owned by Budweiser's parent company, Anheuser-Busch. Adolphus Busch formulated the original recipe himself. Historically it sold just fine but never great. There was a moment in the 80s when Michelob was packaged in these slick looking teardrop bottles. They ran some cool ads for them with the slogan The Night Belongs To Michelob. Phil Collins was in one, singing In The Air Tonight. A 70-something Sinatra was in another, crooning The Way You Look Tonight. I’m surprised Michael Mann didn’t direct these ads. You know, ‘cause of all the damn NIGHT. But I digress.

In my lifetime, Michelob became Michelob Ultra. No longer a sneaky provocateur of the night, advertisements now paired the beer with fitness models in broad daylight. We’ve seen those adventure freaks drink Michelob like Gatorade - after summiting a mountain, running a marathon, or putting up a single double at the YMCA. The point was clear. Michelob Ultra did not want you to relax. In fact, it was for guys and gals who look like they don’t drink beer. The sentiment hasn’t changed much today. They’ve toned down the extreme sports and replaced it with golfing but still no kicking back with a Michelob. It is a beer that is meant to be consumed in motion. Whatever that means.

What has changed is us. I’m told we are becoming increasingly anti-social creatures. A species that tracks its sleep like an iPhone battery. But apparently we used to do this thing called hanging out. It involved sitting in booths or on couches. It involved dare I say…not doing much as all. Beer was once primarily advertised as an enhancer for this alien concept. A reason to take a break. Slow down life before it moves right by us. Spend quality time with friends, family, or even a few Clydesdales. God I love those Clydesdales.

Yet something happened. It’s been studied extensively. We emerged from our COVID cocoons expecting to make up for lost time and start living…ultra. Moneyball the shit out of life. Maximize our productivity. Biohack our happiness. Schedule ourselves to greatness. Suddenly, an ad with that Silver Bullet coming to town looked like a catastrophic interruption to an afternoon. We began aspiring to congregate and socialize in pursuit of self-improvement. Run clubs. Rock climbing Hinge dates. 7 AM tee times. All the while, Michelob Ultra and its 2.6 carbs were right there, ready to grab our attention. Just as Celcius rocked Red Bull’s market, Michelob was the only wellness beer in town. So we ditched our father’s Bud Light and our grandfather’s Schlitz and our great grandfather’s moonshine and our Targaryen ancestors’ mead. We championed a light beer as versatile as we hoped our lives could become. Michelob Ultra…The athleisure khaki of beers. Take it to work drinks Friday night and the golf course Saturday morning.

Tommy Norris drinks a whole lot more Michelob on Landman. But get this, he also loves talking about his sobriety in between Mickeys. If you’re confused, so is whoever he’s telling this to. Each and every time they remind him, he’s currently drinking a beer. Each and every time Tommy says something like “There’s more alcohol in orange juice than there is in a Michelob Ultra.” I looked this up. Apparently, it’s not true. Just another piece of biting wit from Taylor Sheridan.

Does it matter what beer we drink? No. But Tommy’s joke friggin’ lands and I think that matters. It must mean that at least a part of our brand-crazed lizard brains culturally designates Michelob Ultra as evolved, lighter, and multi-taskable. A beer that fits neatly into our hyper scheduled and culturally flattened lives. It’s a designation that has driven its sales to the top in an age of distraction, avoidance, and doomed perfectionism.

But that sounds too dark. Let’s just stick with The Ultraissance. Rolls off the tounge nicer.