The Pioneer Newsletter #27

whe'rrrre bhaaaaack - sugar bowl sam ehlinger

So You Think You Can Breakdance?

Mario Lopez was an important figure during my childhood. But it wasn't because of his important volunteer work at The Boys and Girls Club of America or because of his important acting work on Saved By The Bell (although I’d always catch a few morning TBS reruns anytime I was home from school sick). I know Lopez best as the host of one of the greatest competition shows to ever grace the MTV airwaves. Not Silent Library, people. I’m talking about America’s Best Dance Crew. I was obsessed with America’s Best Dance Crew - a show I don’t need to explain as its title does the heavy lifting for me. I watched every episode. The Jabawockeez run to glory on the inaugural season. High-flying Super CR3W in season two. Season 3 champs, Quest Crew had a dude head spin on a fucking piano during their championship sealing dance. Season 6 was a dead heat between the ICONic Boyz and eventual champs I.aM.mE. I was an ICONic boy, personally, even if I.aM.mE. was a tad more innovative in the space.

I realize breakdancing is not the first thing that comes to mind when you think of a semi-professional newsletterer/thought leader. Some would even call it my dirty little secret. Because as I got a little older, I felt slightly embarrassed about my love for America’s Best Dance Crew. By high school, I had succumbed to mediocrity in organized sports and had no interest in admitting to anyone or even myself that while they were working on a jump shot during childhood - I was in the living room, working on my pop and lock.

that dude head spinning on a fucking piano

But right now, just about everyone is talking about breakdancing. I’m of course referring to Raygun and the introduction of the sport at the 33rd Summer Olympics. I watched Raygun interpretively squirm her way to nowhere near the podium last week and like many of you believed that if given four years, three ranch waters, and a well-fitting bucket hat, I could at least qualify for the USMBBC (United States Men’s B-Boy Cr3w). ABDC was the training I didn’t know I needed. So I went ahead and started writing the essay you’re reading now. What I didn’t do was log onto the internet. Last I checked, we were still talking about that Turkish sharpshooter who looks like a substitute teacher. Apparently, that was eons ago in web years and I’m far too late to kangaroo hop my way onto this breakdance train. It’s already left the station.

So screw The Olympics and the USMBBC (United States Men’s B-Boy Crew). To say I’m game for it is a take so cold, it needs to be shipped with dry ice. Raygun’s internet popularity has instead brought me to a new line of thinking.

I’m thankful I never made breakdancing a defining trait of mine such as…Jimmy’s brother, the singer, made singing his. The best dancers know exactly when it’s right to bust a move and when it’s incredibly not. The Olympics?

Well…at least she’ll get a Spotify deal out of it.

Social events among friends, business associates, and potential paramours? That’s usually when I break into my secret stable and unleash the thoroughbreds. Remember that scene in Wolf when Leo hit a combo that made you wonder where the hell did he learn to do that? That’s the reaction you want just about every time you step onto the dance floor. If people come to expect it - you’re breakdancing too hard and too much. Such as a killer joke, it’s all about timing. So sure, I’ll never medal for it. Besides, I can’t imagine breakdancing will ever be in The Olympics again. But I’m forever indebted to America’s Best Dance Crew and thankful for all that time I spent in the living room. Let me know the next time that killer jump shot of yours comes in handy at a function. I’ll be on my Leo grind doing this:

Just please, forget everything you read here and don’t ever expect me to dance. Because before you read this you had no idea I could. Let’s keep it that way.