The Pioneer Newsletter #22
Friday, May 24th
Introduction
Think about this for a moment. You try signing into your account. Which account? Pick an account. Got one? Okay, well that account. But then you remember you’re signing in on a new iPad, your plastic work laptop, or your mom’s phone. So the inevitable happens. Two factor authentication. Please confirm with this device that you’re chill with that device. The name five brothers of cyber security. But let’s just say for this account, you didn’t want to hand over your number. Your boss wasn’t too excited that time he saw a text from Grassdoor ding on your phone during a meeting so you’ve learned your lesson. Instead, you’ve attached an email. Which email? THAT email. You know, the one you made for all of these goddamn accounts. So you fire up Gmail and fire in the password. But you’re still not in. “Who do you know here?” Gmail asks you while slowly sipping a Four Loko. Did you really think Google wouldn’t make you authenticate on another device? And it’s no sign-in this time. Instead, your phone becomes Howie Mandel. Deal or Fucking No Deal. Three cases remain and the banker’s not here to help.
Which number do you see on your other screen? What other screen? The YouTube app on your phone, idiot. So you open up YouTube. But guess what? None of these numbers appear. That’s when you remember your friend signed out of your YouTube in the Uber last weekend. He forgot the name of a song he just had to play but had it saved in his own cue. Your driver, Evan, already paired your phone to his 2015 Sienna and you had to convince him to pull over in the middle of Lincoln Blvd just to make it happen. There was no convincing Evan to re-pair your friend’s. Evan was rude. He made you cross the street for pickup. Besides, you were just 10 minutes out from The Brig, and how hard could it be to sign back in your account later? You’re about to find out. Because YouTube won’t let you get away with a simple sign-on either. It redirects you back to the email you cannot get into, that you created for the account that still needs both. You’re back where you’ve started. It’s been 78 years. Murph is all but grown up. She’s spent years holding onto the fleeting hope that you’re still out there, maybe on a planet with Matt Damon - who’s way more of a dick than you expected him to be. Then suddenly, you see yourself and Murph through a bookshelf. You're now beyond the event horizon in a tesseract. Time is now all but a physical dimension. Use it. Communicate with them. Provide them the YouTube code to sign into your email that’ll sign you into your other account. Three choices. 34,69, or 95. But which one could it be? Which number transcends space, time, and gravity? What code could liberate you from this blackhole of two factor authentication? That’s when it hits you. The answer has been there the entire time.
It’s love.
You’ve done it. You’re now signed into Peacock.
What I’m Drinking this Summer
Many of you are used to just about anything I write to start off with a seemingly random opening few sentences that somehow build into some form of an argument before finally veering back into insanity. But today’s body paragraph will be far more straightforward. However, I guess by starting this piece with an explanation of exactly what it’s not, could not be less straightforward. I should’ve just started this off by literally just explaining What I’m Drinking This Summer. Instead, you’ve had to sit through 100 words of nonsense all whilst wondering why I’ve included a screenshot from 1988’s Cocktail directly above it. Well, I’m not writing about Cocktail - but don’t tempt me because I will. I’m instead here to let you know exactly what I just told you. Here’s what I’ll be drinking this summer.
The Cruiser
Is one beer really equal to eating a loaf of bread? We’ve all been told this but who knows? As I wrote last week, I’m doing my best to avoid beer this month for no other reason than to maximize my efforts in the iron synagogue. Come June though, I’ll start mixing a few Montucky Cold Snacks into the rotation. Great label, Big Sky taste, and easy enough to find but rare enough to start a conversation. This summer, I’ll reserve my European indulgences for the cocktails. When it comes to beer, I’m going Texas sober… domestics only.
The Anchor
I’m a firm believer that each season needs an anchor cocktail. While everyone at your table scours the specialty menu only to choose the drink that sounds the funniest, like it’s the 40-1 odds horse at the racetrack, you’ll instead be ready to order without fail. Sure, I’ll sometimes stay on-menu if a specialty cocktail jumps off the page - but I’ve found that any drink with too eccentric of a title, no matter how clever, usually ends up containing less alcohol than mouthwash and tastes sweeter than a gas station slushie. So it’s good to know what you want - especially if your time with the barman is finite. As the weather changes so does my anchor. They’re quite obvious choices if done right. Fall calls for brown liquors and my anchor is an old fashioned. Use gum syrup instead of simple and lemon rinds along with the orange. Once the holidays hit, I suddenly remember gin martinis exist. The first martinis of the season generally tend to be absolutely filthy with extra swishes of vermouth around the glass and a teaspoon of olive juice to go with it. But as I come out of hibernation (in treacherous Santa Monica) my pallet becomes more refined and the martinis get dryer. The dry martini will carry me through Spring, which I’m still not sure exists in Southern California. But once it’s sunny and 75 for more than an hour - I mix up the first of many Negronis. Aperol spritzes belong on Instagram. Negronis belong in your mouth. Summertime calls for a sweeter cocktail but still a cocktail nonetheless. And if you own a bottle of its essential aperitif, Campari, you’ll find an incredibly simple recipe on the label. One part gin. One part Campari. One part sweet vermouth. Garnish with an orange slice. But get this, people. I think that recipe is absolutely gross. The Negroni is a balancing act. You’re combining bitterness, sweetness, and strength. A triple frontier, if you will. And these powers don’t balance out equally. So I have a few alterations.
First, double your gin. It’s the great equalizer and will marry those sweet and bitter flavors for a much smoother finish. Second, don’t sweat the produce. I don’t live in Ojai so rarely do I have fresh oranges on my bar cart. Why don’t you just go to the supermarket? Well why don’t you just shut the fuck up? Anyway, I’ve found that a serviceable substitution for fresh peels is a bottle of Angostura Orange bitters. Two dashes in the glass, drop your ice cubes in, and give it a couple of swishes. My final alteration? Ditch the Campari. You see, the first Friday I knew it was time to unleash my Negroni, I dropped by the Whole Foods across the street for ingredients. I picked up the budget friendly Tanqueray gin and a tried and true bottle of Dolin sweet vermouth. But Campari was nowhere to be found. A very nice employee explained that Whole Foods doesn’t carry the aperitif due to its use of Red Dye 40 - a coloring agent that according to clevelandclinic.org, can lead to “sneezing or behavior changes like irritability and depression.” So I went with a lesser known (and far newer) aperitif. I now make my Negronis with Contratto. It is a bit different. A little less bitter, which at times I do miss, but instead pleasantly fruitier. It definitely feels more like a summer drink and a far more vibe-forward cocktail that I’m confident any guest will be delighted by when I serve them.
IL MIO NEGRONI
1 part sweet vermouth
1 part Contratto Aperitif
2 parts gin
2 dashes of orange bitters
Stir gently with ice and serve either straight up or on the rocks depending on your current fit.
The Sidekick
I’m seeing the red light in the back so I’ll make this quick. Chardonnay somehow went out of style. What a shame. Rosé gives me headaches, orange wine is 10 bucks more a glass because it’s orange, and more than two glasses of a full bodied red get me all gossipy. Let’s instead keep it light this summer, everyone. Relax. Use that sunroof. Listen to Kygo, unironically. If you’re brave enough, enjoy a chilled glass Chard even after the sun goes down.
The Head Scratcher
I need one beverage to keep everyone on their toes. A beverage to be questioned by not only everyone else at the table but also by myself. A cocktail I’ll order before even trying. Like a P90X - it’ll be a healthy shock to my muscle memory. And here’s how it’s going to go down. I’m going to meet up with three Harvard undergraduate students at an upscale sushi restaurant. I’ll strut in 20 minutes late but still be excited to hear about their emerging social media platform. Before we talk business, I’ll turn to the woman in between the two nervous boys and ask what she’s drinking. “An appletini” she’ll say. I’ll then turn to the waiter (who I know by name) and tell her we’ll take three of those…
Fine, you got me. That’s just a scene from The Social Network. But commanding a similar ask-to-group-order scenario is something I’ve always wanted to execute and if everything goes to plan this summer, I’m making everyone at the table get a goddamn appletini. Join me.
Elevator Pitch Amongst Other Recs
Ryan Gosling - 2014
For the release of The Fall Guy, we're joined in the elevator by none other than butterfly knife-wielding, tap dancing, notebook writing, and getaway from a bank robbery during the 4th quarter of an off-brand Clippers game driving - Ryan Gosling. First, it's an all too brief, 40 minute long conversation about Gosling's career. Then, we place our hands on the bible and speak our minds on The Fall Guy. Finally, we do what is demanded of us. PITCH.
And by god, you're gonna need to hear Will's before David Zaz descends upon our studio and demands a script. Mine works too I guess.
Steve Buscemi - 1997
This week we're traveling back to 1997 for a celebration of actor, director, mobster, notorious anti-tipper, and recent street assault victim Steve Buscemi.
No new movie to discuss this week. Just public safety, 1997, and two delicious 100% organic elevator pitches for the man who puts character in character actor. So get in there already. The elevator's nice and warm.
Blackout Man (…Tik Tok) - Speaking of people named Will Peters, here’s another one who’s also particularly funny. He might also subscribe to this newsletter. If so, great work on this. Just when I thought I was in too deep, BlackoutMan keeps going deeper.
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Don’t Forget Me - Maggie Rogers (ALBUM) - I, like many others, forgot about Maggie Rogers for about 5 years. I think she buzzed her hair and made a hard rock album. While that is pretty cool, she now has another new haircut, straight out of 1992, along with some killer molodies I simply can’t stop blasting out of my station wagon speakers. I’m ready to say it. Maggie Rodgers is the thinking man’s Taylor Swift.
Tapping the screen door instead of knocking hardwood (ALTERNATE MOVE) - For the Gosling episode of Elevator Pitch, I rewatched a Capital Region classic, The Place Beyond the Pines. It absolutely ripped as it’s known to do. But this time around, I noticed Gosling pull a crazy move I’m about to start trying. An open-fingered tap of the screen door instead of the closed fist knock on the hardwood. Can’t hurt to put this in the rotation.
Conclusion
Till next time.
can we please get an audio book version of the pioneer newsletter so we can read while getting ready?
Always felt off having Negronis before sunset, maybe the Contratto sub will do the trick.