The Pioneer Newsletter #20

Thursday, Apr 18th

Introduction Plug

During the first few weeks of this newsletter, I professed to just about anyone who asked, that blogging was the new podcasting. I predicted we had finally reached a saturation point in the (sigh) podcast space and there was simply no way to launch a long form audio program unless your name was Jason Bateman. But despite all of my preachings and prophecies, I continued, without fail, to support the medium I pronounced dead. Because I love podcasts. I love the para-social relationships I hold with them and their hosts - whom I’ve listened to for hours without uttering a single word to. I love how podcasts enhance activities I dangerously now have no idea how to do without - such as laundry, dishwashing, and staring into space. I love movie podcasts like The Big Picture, where Chris Ryan, Sean Fennessey, and Amanda Dobbins snake draft movies from 2006. I love business pods like Business Wars where David Brown dramatizes Levis and Wrangler’s 100 year battle for denim market share. I love culture pods like How Long Gone, where Chris Black and Jason Stewart let me know what’s on the menu at The Odeon or how to visit France without pretending. And of course, I stay on top of the town with The Town, where Matthew Belloni keeps me locked in on all things town. My intense podcast regimen has been leading to an inevitable destiny. Everyone knew it would happen. And by everyone, I’m specifically talking about myself. That’s right people. I…now have a podcast.

It’s not my first foray into the medium. There was the brief podcast with my college roommates titled Me and the Guys I Work With. That lasted a solid three episodes. Then there was Job Hunt - when The Caniac Kemba and I hunted through job boards on-mic whilst unemployed. Caniac and I could very well hop back on the Apple headphone mic for our hotly anticipated fifth episode. But as you can infer by the only consistent subject matter of this newsletter, it would always be a movie podcast that I’d really take seriously.

So I implore you to check out Elevator Pitch.

#opentowork if anyone needs some cover art

The rules of this podcast are simple. We take a name in movies (actor, writer, director, producer, Rob Schneider), talk about their career, and then pitch this special someone a fake movie they should’ve done in a specific year of their career. It could be a low point like post-Gili Ben Affleck or an apex like post-Argo Ben Affleck. We’ve done three episodes so far. Jake Gyllenhaal - 2008 (post-Zodiac), Emma Stone - 2019 (post-Favourite), and this week’s penultimate episode: Kirsten Dunst - 2013 (pre-Fargo). Well, penultimate until next week.…JERRY BRUCKHEIMER - 1999. Elevator Pitch is about contextualizing a specific moment, not only in film but in the world as we know it. It’s also about proposing the most batshit crazy ideas for a movie. Ideas so crazy…they just might work.

But of course, it’s not just me out there. I’ll be joined each week by my far more knowledgeable co-host, Will Peters. By day, Mr. Peters works as an editor, helping put together some legitimately great sketches over at Almost Friday TV. By night, Will is one of the greatest elevator pitchers known to man. We used to work together at an undisclosed movie lot and spent most days talking shop off-mic. But this was a severe waste of time. As anyone who’s anyone in this town knows, unrecorded conversations are as good as nothing. It’s either content or it never happened. So Will and I knew it was time to make it happen. Too much cash was being left on the table. I’m talking BetterHelp cash.

And it all starts with you.

That’s right. YOU. Because before Will and I profit off the data harboring of phone therapy, we need listeners. A lot of listeners. And I think you’ll really like this podcast. The conversations tip-toe between introspective and sophomoric. Considered and impulsive. Encouraging and downright hostile. It’s not a movie podcast so much as it is a culture podcast for those who like movies. So if you’re cultured and have seen at least one movie, I hope you check it out. Elevator pitch is available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and I’ll be sure to link each episode to this newsletter as well.

Oh, and before I forget, Will and I will also be joined by some very special guests. Jake, Emma, and Kirsten it was a pleasure having you in the studio. Jerry, can’t wait to build with you tomorrow evening.

As always…eat, pray, love, like, and subscribe.

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Common Ground

Here’s a new segment I’m trying out. It’s called Common Ground. Below, you will find two short pieces that aim to find common ground between two unlikely subjects.

Warrior Poets

I went to a Springsteen show at the Kia Forum Presented by Chase Bank. The Boss and the E Street Band, now in their mid-70s, played one of the longest and the most technically precise shows I’ve ever been to. It officially clocked in at 3 hours and 25 minutes long, scored by 32 songs that spanned his now 50 year career. There were no breaks in between songs but when the band needed one, Bruce went solo with just his guitar and harmonica. When Bruce needed a break, he didn’t take one and instead just kept fucking going. I couldn’t help but be reminded of Springsteen’s only true contemporary. The only other artist on earth who has no off switch. The only other entertainer we have the privilege of being entertained by, who wars against age, fads, and societal expectations - putting his body on the line for the love of the game. Pure obsession at its most dangerous level. His name is Tom Cruise. Bruce might be a rock star and Tom might grace the silver screen, but they share a level of endurance previously thought to be unimaginable. Cruise also might be 13 years younger than Bruce but I assure you, at 73 Tom Cruise will not be riding his Kawasaki off into the sunset. He will instead be riding it off a cliff as his hair transplant holds on for dear life. God-willing, The Boss will still be there right next to him, playing a duel guitar/harmonica solo during hour four of his second leg in Albany. Those who put the warrior in warrior poets are few and far between. So here’s to you, Tom and Bruce. Never change. Go down in a blaze of glory.

Touched by God…and the Devil

We don’t get to choose the hitmakers. The ones who win the worldwide talent show for stardom. Morgan Wallen surely was not what any record label, music journalist, or morally upright citizen had in mind when it came to who would step up to the forefront of a genre. But here he is - the face of country music. He’s been gifted with a voice twangy enough for a truck stop and melodic enough for a stadium tour. And every so often, we’re reminded that apart from his runaway country music success - Morgan Wallen is one of our worst decision makers. You may remember when he flirted with a hate crime on his neighbor’s Ring camera. You may also have just learned what he was up to last week. Oh, you haven’t? Well, Morgan Wallen was arrested in Nashville for hurling a chair off the roof of a six story bar. Fortunately, the airborne barstool didn’t take down a drunken herd of bachelorettes. But unfortunately for Morgan, it landed right next to a police car. Morgan smiled in his mugshot. I think you have to if you’ve just thrown a chair off a six story bar. And as I looked into the eyes of the face of country music, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Wallen’s only true contemporary. The only other man on earth whose raw natural talent is rivaled only by his raw natural shit-baggery. Touched by God…and the Devil. His name is Nick Kyrgios. Morgan Wallen might play country music and Nick Kyrgios might play tennis but they are one of the same. Kyrgios, gifted with a supreme combination of power and speed, at his best seems unbeatable. That is until he berates an umpire and tanks a Grand Slam quarterfinal match. Like Wallen, he’s also had his run-ins with the law and hot mics for that matter. And similarly, just when he’s finally succeeded enough to rid the public’s memory of his transgressions, he once again commits an act of shit-baggery, only to begin the quest for our forgiveness once again. Morgan Wallen and Nick Kyrgios are not the heroes we want, but the shitheads we need. So here’s to both of you - our most gifted agents of chaos. I’d say never change but keep trying. We’re chasin’ you like a shot of whisky.

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Recs

hmmmmmmm? Oh wait, I know what to rec.

Elevator Pitch: Jake Gyllenhaal - 2008 (PODCAST)

Elevator Pitch: Emma Stone - 2019 (PODCAST)

Elevator Pitch: Kirsten Dunst - 2013 (PODCAST)

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Conclusion Paragraph

It’s anytime between 2003-2007. Holes is inevitably playing on a television either in your basement (East Coast specifically) or elementary school classroom. A core memory is established and you now know, if hiking up a mountain in the middle of the desert, raw onions will save your life. As a child, this was surely an inconvenient truth. I hated onions. Hated them, deeply. I hated when someone told me they’re actually sweet, I hated when they’d go unlisted on a Cheesecake Factory menu, and I surely hated that if I found myself escaping from a hole-based prison camp and hiking up a thumb-shaped mountain - I would starve to death without them. But times change. The onion is now my hero this week. You see, I’ve happened upon a new food based conflict in my life. Dinner has become incredibly boring. I’ve put myself in a prison not of holes, but instead culinary monotony. Rice, protein, vegetable, and repeat. Each night. Every night. So when I arrived at the grocery store last week, I knew what I had to do. Rethink old beliefs, release inner fears, and ultimately start becoming more ambitious with my produce. Before I knew it, onions were in my cart. And just as they were for Stanley Yelnats and Zero up on the mountain  - onions are now my refuge. I’m still no Alison Roman in the kitchen nor do I have time to try. But in a pinch, the onion has become an unexpected knuckleball I needed to take my dinners from a C+ to a B-. And it turns out, they are sweet. Who would’ve thought.