The Pioneer Newsletter #12

Tuesday, Dec 19th

Best Third-Wheel Names in Romantic Comedy History

Y’all smell that? I’m catching the scent of 93 minutes including credits. The aroma of an architect and an architectural journalist who hate each other, like each other, betray each other, and then kiss at the 91^st minute. The fragrance of cinematic love. Wire-framed glasses. Cable knit sweaters. Nick Drake b-sides. Kate fucking Beckinsale. It’s the Holiday Season and romantic comedies are in the air.

I’d like to talk about the character names. Because I love a good movie character name. But let’s forget about the names of our leads. In romantic comedies, they’re generally quite boring. Rom-com staples are not famous for cloaking their identity but instead embracing it. Bookish and proper Hugh Grant is essentially playing a version of Hugh Grant in Notting Hill as a travel bookshop owner and is still just playing Hugh Grant in Love Actually as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. His character’s name from neither is coming to mind but you know who’s name is? His roommate from Notting Hill, Spike. Because Spike is a perfect name for a man who looks like this:

But with all due respect to Spike, I’m not even here to discuss best friends. Because, aside from Spike, they usually also have boring names. I don’t know what Dave Chappelle’s name is in You’ve Got Mail just as I don’t know what Judy Greer's name is in any movie ever. I see Dave Chappelle and think oh that’s Dave Chappelle. I see Judy Greer and I think - you get the point. The best names in rom-coms belong to the third wheels. The desperate co-workers, toxic exes, and new boos who make you realize the two leads on the poster are meant to be together. Forever. Their names are consistently incredible. I have two theories on why that is:

1. Their names are often said on more occasions than the characters are shown on screen. This is not always true, however, an incredibly unique name can do wonders if a third-wheel is looking to sabotage around minute 60. Oh, that’s her ex we’ve been told about 7 times in the first hour. I feel like I already know this guy. HE’S TROUBLE.

2. The Simon Baker Rule…This is a theory I just made up. It pertains to Simon Baker’s legendary performance in The Devil Wears Prada as magazine writer and Olympic scarf-wearer Christian Thompson. Simon Baker is an affable broadcast television star (i.e. The Mentalist) and our viewing relationship with television characters is far more extensive than characters in a singular film. So when we see Simon Baker on the big screen, now as the third-wheel we’re supposed to root against (TDWP isn’t necessarily a rom-com but bear with me), it’s important we believe he’s Christian Thompson and not The Mentalist (TDWP came out before The Mentalist but still bare with me). Third-wheels are often played by television stars. Why? They’re super attractive but lack the chutzpah of a movie star. Great names and alternative identities are smartly utilized to cloak their small-screen stardom.

The Simon Baker Rule is alternatively known as the Jason Alexander Conundrum (In Seinfeld, he’s George Costanza but in Pretty Woman, he’s evil attorney Phillip Stucky [third-wheel name honorable mention]).

Now that you’re also an expert on the matter, here are the 10 best third-wheel names in romantic comedy history:

Disclaimer - Some of these films skew COM ROM (more funny than romantic) or ROM DRAM (i.e. The Notebook) but I’ve decided to expand the criteria for the purpose of including some stellar names. 

10.

Bob “Dick Cheney” Rumson

Film: The American President

Actor: Richard Dreyfuss

Richard Dreyfuss’s performance as Bob Rumson is in the Lydia Tar zone of “I’m not sure this fake famous person is actually fake” acting. Bob Rumson is also an incredible name for a blowhard politician. If you haven’t seen The American President, please go watch it. Great names all around. Here are a few others: Sydney Ellen Wade… Louis Rothschild… Leo Solomon… President Andrew Shepherd. 

9.

Askel “I’m about to die, tryna fool around?” Willman

Film: The Worst Person in The World

Actor: Anders Danielsen Lie

Is this even a rom-com? I don’t know but it sure is the most depressing and Norwegian entry on this list. Still, Askel Willman is just a world-class name. He’s a cartoonist who gets cheated on and you’re half-excited when it happens. I won’t say anything else but poor Askel. Askel. Try to stop saying that name. Askel Willman. Askel. Askel. Askel Willman. 

Askel.

8.

Walter “I’m not allergic to Salmon. I don’t think. But you never know” [No Last Name]

Film: Sleepless in Seattle

Actor: Bill Pullman

The most Walter guy of all-time. Interestingly enough, his name is actually discussed in the film when Annie (Meg Ryan) asks Walter if he’s ever had a nickname. “Nope, it’s always been Walter” he tells her…That’s so Walter of him.  

7.

Autumn “Let’s grab a coffee after we leave this abandoned train station” [No Last Name]

Film: 500 Days of Summer

Actor: Minka Kelly

13-year-old me thought this was clever. 24 year old me still thinks this is clever.

6.

Jeff “Could You Bring Me Up Some Really Really Cold Water” King

Film: Notting Hill

Actor: Alec Baldwin

While writing this, I remembered Baldwin’s third-wheel performance in Notting Hill but couldn’t remember his name. I googled it and learned it was Jeff King. If for just one fleeting moment, the world made sense again.

Jeff King appears in one scene as Anna Scott’s (Julia Roberts) skeezy celebrity boyfriend who mistakes William Thacker (Hugh Grant) for a room service waiter. It’s the scumbag performance of a lifetime. Alec Baldwin has never been better. Another classic Jeff King line: "Would you adios these dirty dishes and take out the trash too?” I’m seriously not sure Alec Baldwin knew he was in a movie.

5.

Warner “Graduated without honors, without a girlfriend, and without any job offers” Huntington III

Film: Legally Blonde

Actor: Warner Huntington III

“If I’m going to be a Senator, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn” - Warner Huntington III

Here’s how good of a name Warner Huntington III is: I have a friend named Warner. I bet he’s reading this right now. 9/10 times when I tell someone his name, their reply is oh like the guy from Legally Blonde? Warner Huntington III owns the name Warner forever and always. It is sealed into the brains of benders and snappers across the nation.

4.

Helen “She’s Keeping Her Last Name” Hillson /

Ira “Surrey with the Fringe on Top” Stone  

Film: When Harry Met Sally 

Actors: Once again, who cares 

Helen Hillson and Ira Stone. I would’ve attended their wedding just to have an invitation with the names on it. When Harry Met Sally is said to have pioneered the modern romantic comedy. I would argue it also set the bar for memorable third-wheel names. So thank you Helen Hillson and Ira Stone. I hope you still shop at Sharper Image.

3.

Tevin “I think I pissed on that guy’s face at a Bennigans” Downey

Film: I Love You, Man

Actor: Rob Huebel 

Tevin Downey. Let me run that name back. TEVIN DOWNEY. Go into any Olive Garden, PF Chang's Chinese Bistro, T.G.I. Fridays, Fudruckers. What do they have in common? Urinal cakes with his face on them. Tevin Downey. The networker of a generation.

Also shoutout to I Love You, Man - the only plan-com (platonic romantic comedy) on this list.

2.

Sack “Why Don’t You Go Get Me a 7-Up” Lodge

Film: Wedding Crashers

Actor: Bradley Cooper

The Ray Lewis of Kennedy compound backyard football. I don’t think this performance, and more importantly, this name gets enough credit. If Bradley Cooper wins an Oscar for directing this February, just remember he once played a guy named Sack Lodge. SACK LODGE. It’s important to remember this. I’d also like to mention he played a man named Steve opposite Sandra Bullock in a rom-com titled All About Steve. Ladies and gentlemen, the maestro himself.

1.

David “Robbie…Your Mom Tells Me You’re One Hell Of A Soccer Player” Lindhagen

Film: Crazy, Stupid, Love

Actor: Kevin Bacon 

David Lindhagen is the greatest name in film history. It might also be the name that is said the most in any film, ever. When Emily Weaver (Julianne Moore) cheats on Cal Weaver (Steve Carrell) with her co-worker, nobody refers to the homewrecker as Emily’s co-worker but instead by his full name - David Lindhagen. It’s the type of name that rolls off the tongue and lingers in the air. That’s important. If everyone didn’t know his full name, the film’s climactic brawl would not have worked. 

Ryan Gosling: You’re David Lindhagen? 

Removes ring and punches David Lindhagen

Ryan Gosling: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN YOU’VE CAUSED MY FRIEND?

I have an idea for the now barely watchable Academy Awards. The David Lindhagen Award for Best Name in a Motion Picture. This year's winner…

Optimus Primal - Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

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Recs

Wimbledon (FILM) - While we’re on the subject of rom-coms, this rec comes from my sister. For her birthday, she asked to rec a movie in the newsletter. She swears by Wimbledon and owns it on Amazon so hit her up if you’re tryna stream it.

Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany star. I’m sure they make a good mixed doubles pair….on and off the court.

Inside Kirsten Dunst's Timeless Hollywood Home (VIDEO) - While we’re on the subject of Kirsten Dunst, she’s got quite the taste in furniture. I recently stumbled across her home tour from a couple of years back. Thanks AD.

Dining Room Tables (TABLE) - While we’re on the subject of furniture, I’m writing this at my dining room table and it’s great. First apartment I’ve had one in since running away from home at 18 to study at a private university. I forgot what it felt like to eat a meal at a table. Even cereal becomes an aristocratic feast.

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Merry Christmas everyone! If you could, please tell your family about my newsletter. Don’t worry, it comes up naturally in most conversations. As does pulling out your phone and reciting your favorite edition.