The Pioneer #50 Mega-Newsletter
The Golden Edition
Introduction Paragraph
(Eat Pray…Cooked?)
I’ll be doing some traveling this summer. On my Eat Pray Love shit. And what do I fear? That Eat Pray Loving is almost as cooked as the joke itself. Mind you, I’ve never seen Eat Pray Love. I’ve caught a scene on TNT once. The one where Viola Davis says “I ATE A SALAD” in an incredibly stirring way. But that’s just Viola for ya. Goddamn right you ate a salad. Here’s a fuggin Screen Actor’s Guild Award. Anyway, I’ll be traveling. Hoping to learn if Eat Pray Loving is as cooked as I imagine it. Because listen folks…I ain’t looking to find myself in Split. I have no fantasies of hopping off a train with Julie Delpy in Vienna. I will eat. I could pray. I might even love…But I’ll head back home the same typo-riddled blogger that I set out there as. I worked in the travel biz for almost three years. I know tourists. Like you really don’t get how deeply I know tourists. Seriously guys…I wore the skin of tourists. It puts me in a particular position out on the road. I’m in a constant state of second-guessing. Is what I’m doing cooked? Am I Eat Pray Love-maxing? TOURa-farming? Before you answer, look in the damn mirror. Maybe you suck as well. Snapping candids of your damn ashtray. Whipping out a VCR camera at the fucking crosswalk in Paris. J’Accuse! I say.
And if I’m not, the opposite might be worse. Those who wanna hit the spots, check a box, and flood the zone. Professional tourists in all the wrong ways. I once saw a man at The Met take his shoes off, stand on a bench, and snap a photo of Van Gogh’s Starry Night. Why? He was trying to take a photo above everyone else taking a photo. Art in itself. Chalk it up to overtourism. Protests in Barcelona. Blah Blah Blah. Old news. But the fact remains that the small sliver of space between American corn dog and insufferable taste breaker is shrinking by the season. We’re about two summers away from the cultureless wasteland of Pat McAfee’s Indiana learning about Carpis. AND I AIN’T TALKING BOUT THE PANTS.
Once that last stone tumbles, we’ll officially be Eat Pray Cooked. Steph Curry went to a Benson Boone concert in a fedora. There’s really no saying what will happen next.
So the best any of us with a passport can do this time of year is dare I say…be ourselves. Disavow any preconceived understanding of what’s cooked. What’s feelin just ripe…in your heart? And if that’s a photo of a photo or a photo of a damn ashtary…then you, YEAH YOU, just might be cooked. Enjoy a long Capri and sit with that for just a moment. And please, for the love of god…don’t ask anybody to take a photo of you.
The LinkedIn Comment Playbook
I’ve never free solo’d El Cap. Never fought Tom Cruise on the side of a bi-plane with McQ behind the monitor. Never surfed Nazare with Garrett McNamara either. I’m usually just behind my keyboard, playing it relatively safe. But even behind this very keyboard, I have been known to test my absolute limits, dance with the devil herself, and take literary leaps into the unknown. And not just with this newsletter. That’s right people…I’ve accomplished something most are petrified to even think about attempting. I’ve commented something other than congrats on a LinkedIn job update.
There’s no denying the stakes of LinkedIn. This is where we find employment. Connect with like-minded individuals who also dream of owning Rivians and squeaky clean On Running Federer Off-Court sneakers. Maybe even stalk a Hinge match if private mode is enabled.
Playing with fire is discouraged. Our friggin 401k is on the line. Hence the plethora of Congrats and Well Done’s dished out on the daily. But I’m a part of a select group of professionals who moonlight as Flying Wallendas in the LinkedIn comments (don’t make me explain this joke, google it). And recently, I dropped a near perfect one. What is the perfect LinkedIn comment? That’s a complicated question. Rusty Ryan said it best in Ocean’s….”Be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make him laugh. He's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left his side”. So here’s that comment:
I could very well be making a solid boner joke but then again…am I? I could also just be encouraging this rising star to keep growing and continue advising clients on buy-side/sell-side M&A. It’s actually pretty perverted for you to think otherwise. But before you drop a keep growing your bud’s promotion post, understand that there are levels to this game. Keep growing is just the tip of the iceberg. I know a few true sociopaths who can take this art to far crazier places without a hiring manager batting an eyelash. So if you’re like us and yearn for an element of danger in your digital networking, here’s a little playbook to help you out.
Level 1: Wink…But Lay Low
Don’t jump right to dong jokes. Your first non-congrats should have some flair but just a smidge. Even if it just entertains you…that’s enough to start. Here’s a tried and true from The Caniac Kemba:
You see what he does here? Simply glued two words together that sound far sleeker than substantive. Unparalleled resilience…boy I like the sound of that.
Or…
A Drake album could play:
You could class it up as well:
This is straight up from that William Shatner billboard:
Never be afraid to get nautical:
Level 2: Spark Interaction
After you’ve put a few fastballs down the middle without fail, it’s time to level up. Now you’ll need to draw just enough double takes for some likage. This can be accomplished however you see fit. More than two words might be needed. Ambitious, I know. Worth it? That’s for you to find out. The Pioneer doesn’t write unemployment checks, so be careful.
Level 3: Foster Community
Not really sure how this specific instance happened but it’s damn near inspiring. Truly elite-level LinkedIn commenting can also be a team sport. In this circumstance, some dinner plans were discussed:
Level 4: Change That Dude’s Name
This one will surely ruffle some feathers if not dropped with absolute precision. But yeah…just change your boy’s name. This can be done in a few ways. Either begin your comment with a vanilla congrats and follow it with a false name:
Or come up with a whole new nickname to promote your bud’s best qualities.
Level 5: Make Up A Word
Level 6: Insinuate Extra-Curriculars
If you can reference your friend’s indulgence in the extra-curriculars without repercussions, you’ve ascended to another level that I’m not sure is a safe place to be. Nevertheless, two years later, this comment’s dangerous undertones stay cloaked under just the right amount of subtlety.
For obvious reasons, this image is far more redacted.
Level 7: The 100 Foot Comment
Still chasin’ it.
Recs
A Read/Watch (DOUBLE FEATURE)- I was reading last month’s New York Magazine cover story on West Village Girls last night. I rec it if you’re interested. A whole lotta thirty something women making fun of twenty something girls living out their Carrie Bradshaw fantasies. Then today…I crushed S2 E17 of Sex and The City titled “Twenty Something Girls vs Thirty Something Women”. It’s basically the exact idea in the exact neighborhood…only today’s forty somethings were those twenty somethings aka the butt of the joke.
We should be doing this more often…reading then watching. Comment any other multi-media double features you’ve come across.
Unparalled Resilience (ATTITUDE) - Still really liking the sound of that cause goddamn…I’ve written 50 of these. Didn’t think I had that in me.
Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (FILM) - Just recorded an ep of Elevator Pitch on summer movies. This one just might be an all-timer.
Conclusion Paragraph
Been thinking a lot about repetition. Not just because the Aaron Rodgers of tennis made it through to yet another Slam semi-final. Repetition has been on my mind for other reasons. After all, I’ve now written 50 Pioneers. Such as plenty of other methods and modes of execution, I know where the potholes and banana peels lie. But this newsletter, like many other tasks, is too complex to ever master. Yet there are many tasks and actions I really thought I would have down pat by now. Mainly, the handshake. I suck at it and I’m not really sure why. I went to prep school. I wore a tie there. And I don’t really know what specifically that has to do with shaking another man’s hand but it seems like a skill that this tuition should’ve covered. I’m not really sure what the problem is either. I guess somewhere between hand reach out to eye contact, I overshoot the landing zone. The firmness is there but my index finger goes right into the wrist. All of a sudden, I’m counting to 30 and checking another man’s pulse. On the rarest of occasions, the opposite happens and I just grab a handful of fingers. And I’m not getting any better at it either. The handshake is nothing like riding a bike or tying a shoe. Repetition is forged in the fire of public failure. There are always stakes with a handshake. There is no way to practice…
Or is there?
This guy would tell you there absolutely is. Nathan Fielder stages rehearsals like this all the damn time on The Rehearsal. Still, I don’t think he’s the man for the job. Handshake failure, while related to pilot communication, his obsession for this season, is still far below Fielder’s pay grade. So without the budget of HBO, how might I go about this on my own? What am I going to do? Just invite a 1000 guys (or gals) to a West Hollywood hotel, where I’ll be waiting in a small room, fully clothed, ready to shake their hand? There’s no way anyone would agree to this…
Or would they?
She’d tell you they absolutely would. I’m not sure what she did was in pursuit of performance improvement, but inspiration might just hide in the darkest of corners. My ask is far less…interesting? Well actually, I’m not sure about that. Here I am, a humble blogger, being vulnerable about my constant failure to master an action commonly understood as second nature. One of our last bastions of common courtesy in the Western World. Why wouldn’t 1000 men want to line up outside a hotel room, with ski masks on their heads for privacy purposes, and shake my hand? I think we can really change the world for the better. Even create a new paradigm in the creator economy. Not only will I master the handshake but together, 1,001 of us will prove that sex ain’t the only thing that sells on the internet.
Common decency can too.
Here’s to 50 more Pioneers. See ya next time.
Re: cheaper by the dozen 2, asking someone if they're a Baker or a Murtaugh is a certified great conversation starter