The Pioneer: 12 Under 12
Yup
But first…Introduction Correction
I’m big enough to issue a correction. Because my foray into college football last week was nothing short of pedestrian. I told you Bama was in the playoff. I told you the season was all but over. But just minutes after clicking send, sleep deprived, jetlagged, and dazed from hours of nonstop newsletterring, I realized that an entire final week of conference championship games still had yet to be played. Dabo got his boys at Clemson into the 12 spot with an upset over the Stangs at SMU. Bama bounced. Playoff set. Pioneer EMBARRASSED. And after reading through my follies, I’m sure all of your expectations were confirmed. The gridiron might not be Pioneer territory. It didn’t help that a day later, Timothee Chalamet showed up to College Gameday in a pink puffer and defied far lower expectations and even harsher stereotypes than those placed upon me. Paul Atreides, a Tisch-trained actor and Bob Dylan enthusiast, who once walked the red carpet shirtless in a bedazzled blazer, bucked the trends and correctly predicted the Ohio Bobcats upset over UMiami (of Ohio) in the MAC championship game. Maybe this was a little lucky. After all, he missed that Clemson pick. But what stood out far more to me was the amount of prep that he and the Complete Unknown press team brought to the table. Exactly what I failed to do. It was enough prep to make Nick Saban and Kirk Herbstreit look like 9-5ers. Oh and McAfee…You know how to stand on a desk and bark a couple of chants? Cool, bud. Try grabbing a harmonica and belting out Blowin’ in the Wind. I think it’s only fair that someone on that desk tries to. So good for you, Timmy. I have no idea how much gridiron you’re actually watching. I’ve never seen you on a Saturday at Jameson’s. But when duty called, you did what I failed to. Turned heads, showed up, and showed out. I’ll be better next time.
The Pioneer 12 Under 12
Forbes 30 under 30 just dropped. Congrats to all of you. But now for a list that really matters. The most powerful children on the planet. These are the individuals you looked over, Forbes. Probably because they’re all quite short. But make no mistake, these kids can make or break your year with the snap of a finger. That is, once they all learn how to snap. I think I was snapping by 12. Or maybe I wasn’t? Then again, I never made The Pioneer 12 under 12. Shoutout to The Caniac Kemba for consultation. Here are this year’s recipients.
Note: I think 10 under 10 rolls off the tongue a little nicer but this year’s list demanded 12 under 12. That’s truly when some of our junior power brokers emerged. I blame this on the Boomer-controlled geritocracy we live in.
The Rizzler
Age: 8
Occupation: Costco spokesperson/thought leader
The year’s most obvious choice. I might be a front runner for putting Rizz up first but no child from the arts, government, or business arena matched his cultural impact. While I’m not exactly sure what’s next for The Rizzler, I’d like to predict an inevitable falling out with AJ and Big Justice. It will be unsavory but absolutely necessary. His reps will tell him this.
Prince George
Age: 11
Occupation: Prince
Second in line to the throne. The Prince of Wales. And already an archduke of casual prep-ware. I just read that he’s already up in the cockpit, taking flying lessons. Simply not enough down here on earth to challenge this young chap.
Major and Commander Biden
Ages: 6 and 3
Occupation: Domestic Agents of Chaos
I have to give Major and Commander their flowers. They won’t be the leader of the free world’s dogs for much longer. But boy did they make an impact during their single canine term in office. Seemingly the only dogs to have both an Incidents and Political Activity column on their Wiki pages, these two were the big stick Joe carried during his time in office. Specializing in scaring the shit out secret service, foreign dignitaries, and especially the Governor of South Dakota - who called for Commander’s euthanization in her autobiography. That’s influence we won’t see on four legs for a long time. Salute to you both.
Kim Ju-ae
Age: 10-12 years old
Occupation: Supreme Leader-in-training
She might have my head for this one, so I’ll tread lightly. Rumored to be #UPNEXT as The Supreme Leader of North Korea, Ju-ae is the only child on our list with access to a nuclear weapons system. That is unless Major or Commander grow opposable thumbs in the next month (knowing those two, I’m sure they’d launch a missile if they could). Not much else is known about Kim Jong Un’s daughter. But based on this photo, we can only assume she’s got her pop’s leathersmith on speed dial.
Brantley Lott
Age: 9
Occupation: Golfer
The top-ranked 9 year old in the world played a round with that guy Grant Horvatt and I was damn impressed. Good name, great power out the back, and simply astounding club on ball action.
He went +6 on the day, if you were wondering, but get him on the course with Earl Woods and that becomes +2 in no time.
Like Nastya
Age: 10
Occupation: YouTuber
Like Nastya edged out Ryan’s World for the how much did this kid make last year??? spot on my list. She boasts 120 million subscribers on YouTube and is said to be earning $30 million annually. I can’t wait until Blackstone facilitates her IPO and she completes a hostile takeover of the Mattel corporation.
The De Niro and Pacino Babies
Ages: 1 and 1
Occupation: Future shepherds of American cinema
Do the math. The infant offspring of 81 year old Robert De Niro and 84 year old Al Pacino could very well be presenting Best Picture at the year 2100 Academy Awards. An unprecedented stronghold of American Cinema lineage.
Rowdy Rogan
Age: 10
Occupation: Gamer
Imagine if you had an Oakley deal when you were 10. I can’t even.
Junxi Lu
Age: 9
Occupation: Guitarist
Certified face melter. Don’t hand Junxi a coloring book. He prefers coloring outside the lines (you just knew I had to go there).
Adam Grossman
Age: 6
Occupation: 6
An eternal 6 year old. Single-handedly bankrupted J-Date. Most likely on the no-fry list at all North American Benihanas.
Recs
Yacht Rock: A Dockumentary (FILM) -. A Pandora’s box of musical history told seamlessly. I couldn’t believe how deep it dug. Just do yourself a favor, crack open a few Bartles & Jaymes, and let Kenny Loggins, Todo, Christopher X, and Mikey McDonald melt your face off with their jams.
The Agency (TV SHOW) - I can’t believe Michael Fassbender and Richard Gere made a spy show and I wasn’t summoned to creatively consult. Nevertheless, The Agency absolutely cooks just like its French predecessor Le Bureau. Catch up and let’s discuss.
Suggesting a place (SUGGESTION) - Making a concerted effort to confidently suggest places more often. Eventually, I wanna be like one of those guys that just says Say…Del Monico’s? 8PM? and hangs up the phone before getting an answer.
Conclusion Statement
Hyped on my new sweater. Thinking I might just medal at this winter’s Knit Olympics. That’s all for this week. I’m gonna go clean my mirror.
