Neg Zohran, Wear Overalls, and Other Zags for the Weekend

Gotten into the habit of reading over old Pioneers. Sort of like how Kanye bumped his own music at the cirb in that Aziz joke. I started to realize something deep. Something dark. Something you all might be aware of. I’m a broken record. I go to the same places. Get pissed off at the same things over and over. Listen to the same music. I REC’D STEELY DAN TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. WENT BACK, JACK, AND DID IT AGAIN. So it’s time for a few zags. Some pineapple on my pizza. Not because I know it suits me…but instead because I have no idea if it doesn’t. Join me, won’t you?

Zag #1: Get buckled with your colleagues

As far as I see it, we fall into two camps. Either A. we move to a new city and exclusively hang out with work friends, or B. avoid those work friends socially, not out of spite…but instead because they still think Cabo Cantina is fun. Severance is popular for a reason. And that reason is most of y’all don’t wanna see what Jared, a senior coordinator who played club rugby at Tulane, will do after a fishbowl of margarita. Personally, I know too many people outside of work to ever need to find out how this goes down. But college bud and upstairs neighbor, Mark Mollner, just told me he’s out of commish tonight. Preeging and bar hopping with his colleagues. Been promising them FOR A WHILE. So you know what? This town is lonely enough. That might just be a good zag. It’ll probably go as we imagine it. Not too fun. But then again…1993 Meg Ryan could be there. There’s just no way of knowing.

Zag #2: Overalls

I was out in Antwerp this August (more on that later) with my mate E. Cool town. You bike around. Vibe. Drink a triple IPA. Bike around some more. One night, we biked to a real sneaky watering hole (Korsokov). Found this wildcat in overalls. Just an Antwerp thing? Yes. Most likely it is. But that can only mean one thing…It’s a hometown zag.

Rules: Tarpless underneath. Boots and darts required.

Zag #3: Neg Zohran

Mamdani’s mayor. Of New York, that is.

Top five mayors. Go….Can’t think of any? Probably cause it’s the friggin mayor. I went to Idyllwild this year. Their mayor’s a golden retriever. His name’s Max.

See what I did there? Sneaky zagged. Negged Zohran Mamdani.

But goddamn if Zohran ain’t having his moment. Been hittin’ the algos from the front and back all year. Now, looking through the final polling (on Twitter), he pulled a DJT and performed staggeringly well with dudes who watch The League (18-35 guys, AKA me). Performative Young Male ain’t just a damn Halloween costume. The Clairo-fication of the late 20s male must finally be complete. Time for a zag, I say. No, don’t go full Aaron Rodgers mode. But next time you’re tryna lay some municipal politics chum, neg our guy Mamdani. Question a few specifics of that free bus program. Maybe do a little more digging. Find a dubious vote or two from his time up in Albany. Others will be scared. But then, maybe a little intrigued. Because nobody’s more popular than after winning their election (or killing Osama Bin Laden). So here’s a political zag…hedge the hype and neg Zo. He’s only a mayor. Boom. Negged again.

Zag #4: Buy a pipe

Speaking of the performative young male, AKA our current moment’s Karen, let’s reclaim what has become the laziest joke out there. We are all performing, virtue signaling, and hotmaxxing any moment we step out the door. And if you aren’t? I don’t believe you. So if the tote bag, matcha, and biting literature on the female experience is wrong and problematic (favorite word ever), time for us to zag in performance. Buy a damn pipe. Smoke this pipe performatively at a coffee shop. Sip on a black coffee from a thermos. Read a Hunter S Thompson novel. Do this on the Today Show.

Zag #5: Scottish Hello

Here’s the problem with a well executed Irish Goodbye. Anyone stealth/brave enough to pull it off does so because they do this every weekend. Its effect wanes. It comes to be expected. The Irish Goodbyer is not pulling a fast one anymore but instead leaves just how everyone expects of them. Want to really throw off a crowd? Pull up unannounced. It’s the Irish Goodbye’s naughty Protestant cousin, the Scottish Hello. A zag that really zags in today’s Find My Friends dystopian society. What’s my ETA? Bitch, you’ll here a knock on the door. Bang. I’m here. Scottish hello. Make it a thing.