Pioneer Newsletter #4

Monday, October 9th

Introduction Paragraph

I’m in front of my company-owned Dell laptop and I’ve just drafted an email. It’s the same email I send out every day - providing clients with my department’s pricing and scheduling availability. But it’s not complete. No draft of mine becomes true correspondence before this final sentence:

“Please let me know if you have any questions or if there are any other accommodations I can make for your group!”

Start bumping Enter Sandman or that catchy trumpet lick the Mets played for Edwin Diaz - because this beautiful sentence is my closer. I’ve typed it over 4,000 times. When I do, smoke ascends from the crevices of my keyboard. My fingers hit the keys with the speed and beauty of Billy Joel midway through Scenes From an Italian Restaurant. 4,000 is not an exaggerated number for dramatic effect. It’s a calculated guess based on the number of days at my current job multiplied by an estimated 12 uses per day. And I really do mean what I’m saying. I’m usually happy to answer ANY questions a client may have and willing to provide EVERY reasonable accommodation I can possibly make. I take pride in my work - whatever that work may be. And don’t worry, it’s not rocket science. The speed in which I’m able to type my closer, speaks greatly to the ease and repetitiveness of my duties. It’s the deal I’ve taken in order to commit the majority of my thought towards creative endeavors such as The Pioneer. But lately, my closer has been coming off the keys a little slower. My fingers are moving just a tad more hesitantly. Sometimes, I even find myself closing my eyes whilst typing and contemplating the true nature of its validity. How many more questions can I answer? How many more accommodations will I have to make? The ease of repetition has officially collided with the nature of time. My closer, as I type it, stares right back at me, and I’m unsure just how much longer I can live up to its promises. I’ve spent the past few months believing the final question or accommodation I make would be someone else’s decision. That change would come to sweep me off my feet. But, discounting a prison sentence, I’ve realized the need for change does not present itself so clearly. I now believe it creeps up in far less expected ways. It can even be felt in our fingers, as we attempt to type a sentence for the 4,001^st time. While I do not know exactly when I will retire my closer, there is still writing far more engaging to type - this week’s newsletter. So readers, longtime and new, please enjoy this week’s edition, and have a lovely week.

Father in Law Crushes

Recently, I’ve taken stock in how I value celebrity crushes. While many choose to lean on beauty or talent, I’ve instead shifted my focus to a less discussed growth market with incredible returns: Their fathers. No, I do not want to date their fathers. But plenty of celebrities have equally famous dads and I believe it’s time to start adding this to the equation. You’re beautiful, talented, and your dad directed The Replacements? Shoutout to you, Zoey Deutch. Howard and I are gonna have a few beers at Thanksgiving and discuss the throwing mechanics of Keanu Reeves.

NOTE TO READER: Just as my investigation on cinema hats a few weeks ago, I’m purely firing off the dome. I encourage you to reply with any suggestions of your own. 

Kaia Gerber

Occupation: Model/Actress 

Father: Rande Gerber 

Relationship Status: Dating Austin Butler

Thanksgiving Scenario: 

You and Kaia have arrived in Los Cabos, Mexico. You’re spending the holiday at the vacation home of her parents - Rande Gerber and Cindy Crawford. Both Rande and Cindy are former models turned businesspeople. It’s a family of high earning portfolios and flawless bone structure. But the Gerbers aren’t the sole owners of this Mexican Beach paradise. If you’ve ever read the back of a Casa Migos bottle, you already know George Clooney has a separate bungalow right across the pool. This is Casa Migos - the famed house of friends. Around the dinner table are you, Kaia, Cindy, Rande, George, and Amal Clooney. Holy shit. Pass the potatoes.

The next morning, you’re awakened by a knock on the door. Kaia’s already been up for hours doing FYC press for Bottoms. It’s Rande and George, already in their leathers. They’ve got a third Harley in the garage and ask if you’d care to join for a motorcycle ride through the agave fields of Jalisco. The rest is history. 

Maya Hawke

Occupation: Musician/Actress 

Father: Ethan Hawke

Relationship Status: Unknown

Thanksgiving Scenario:

You and Maya arrive at her father’s Brooklyn townhouse. You’re greeted by Ethan Hawke and his dogs. He’s been running lines with them all day and admits he’s very glad to see another human. Everyone lounges in the den with some local IPAs as Mr. Hawke puts on a record. He just saw this folk group play at Brooklyn Steel and decided to commission their only printed vinyl. He thought about using a couple of their tracks for his Paul Newman documentary but Maya convinced him it’d be too contemporary for the doc’s tone. You, Maya, and Ethan discuss the Austin independent film scene. Terrence Malick. Richard Linklater. The Duplass Brothers. Ethan Hawke can hold court on it for hours. Maya’s shocked you haven’t seen half of these movies. You thought you could just skate by with Ethan’s Before trilogy and Paris, Texas but now your watch list has doubled. You casually drop White Fang into the conversation. There’s an awkward silence. Ethan Hawke checks his watch and suggests it’s time to eat. 

There’s no turkey prepared. Ethan recounts a book he just read on Andrew Jackson and decides to order Chinese food instead. In between servings of Chow Mein Fun, a guitar is passed around the outdoor picnic table. You still remember how to play The General by Dispatch and it’s a hit. They haven’t heard that song in years. 

Just before you leave, Ethan invites you to a Brooklyn Nets game Saturday night. You bite your lip and smartly refrain from exclaiming how ridiculous it is that he’s a Nets fan. The rest is history.

Malia Obama 

Occupation: Screenwriter

Father: Barack Obama

Relationship Status: I think she’s dating a British dude 

Thanksgiving Scenario:

You and Malia arrive at the vacation house in Martha’s Vineyard. The Secret Service greets you at the gate and sends a German Shepherd for your crotch. They’re just being protective. Not only of Malia, but also her father - former President Barack Obama. Dinner goes well. The talking points you’ve practiced in the mirror are really paying off. Not only can you discuss the two act sitcom structure with Malia, but you’re able to go 12 rounds with Barack on the Affordable Care Act. After dinner, he invites you to the backyard. A couple of the agents want to hoop and they need an extra man. You grab the ball and check up Barack. The man might have green lit a hit on Osama Bin Laden, but he’s an absolute liability when going to his left. You give him a step though. You’ll put on the clamps if it gets close.

After a few games, Michelle calls you both in for desert and coffee. But Barack tells her you’ll just be a minute. He instructs you to follow him deeper into the backyard. You reach a seated area that looks out on the water. You’re a little scared. You think he’s about to say something like “If you hurt my daughter, I’ll get the NSA to release your search history.” But before saying anything, the president lifts up the flowerpot next to his chair, and pulls out a hidden pack of Marlboros. He lights one up and then passes the pack to you. “State secrets” Obama says with a smirk. The rest is history.

Lily Collins

Occupation: Actress 

Father: Phil Collins

Relationship Status: Married (I think)

Thanksgiving Scenario:

Lily is on break from filming Emily in Paris and you both decide to hop over to London for the holiday. Phil Collins, drummer and lead singer of Genesis, answers the door. He had no idea it was American Thanksgiving but invites you in anyway. While Lily takes a few phone calls from her agents, Phill invites you down to his  basement recording studio. You bang on the skins like there’s no tomorrow. You and Phil duet In The Air Tonight. The rest is history.  

Gracie Abrams 

Occupation: Singer (Not too familiar with her music)

Father: J.J. Abrams 

Relationship Status: Didn’t look it up

Thanksgiving Scenario: 

You roll up with Gracie to the family home in the Palisades. Los Angeles is finally getting chillier but you’ve layered correctly. So has writer/director/producer/thought leader J.J. Abrams. He gives you a firm handshake. Even though you’re a foot taller than him, the man holds a presence that screams “I created Lost and you didn’t.” Over dinner, you and J.J. talk lens flares until Gracie elbows you under the table. You take the hint and shift the conversation to Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s performance in Mission Impossible 3. Gracie confronts you after dinner. She claims you excluded her and her mother from the conversation. Gracie then tells you she can’t really see this going much further. You admit the same. But before leaving, you and J.J. secretly exchange emails, and set up a general for next Tuesday. The rest is history.

Recs

Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant (FILM) - Para and I checked this out last night. Really well staged action. Jake Gyllenhaal and Dar Salim are great. At one point Para coined Salim’s character “the reaper of the desert”. 

Jack Johnson: Sleep Through The Static (ALBUM) - Downloaded it for a red eye to help me shut my eyes. Its been on heavy rotation ever since. “All At Once”, “Sleep Through The Static”, and “Adrift” are quite nice in traffic.

Rusty Ranks: The University of Texas (SOCIAL) - Personal shoutout to a friend of the newsletter, Will Peters. He just started cutting some videos for Rusty and the rest of the fellas at Friday Beers. They’re already calling him the second coming of Walter Murch. I can really see a Webby award in his near future.

friday.beers

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Conclusion Paragraph

Last weekend, during a stop in Annapolis, Maryland, I visited the United States Naval Academy. I swear, you could almost smell valor in the air. I felt as if I was stealing it just by inhaling. While strolling through the campus, I found myself at the crypt of John Paul Jones - father of the United States Navy. I don’t know how many crypts you’ve visited but this was a Pioneer first. Now I have done some reading on Jones in college. I knew he commanded a small military fleet - then known as the Continental Navy and fought (along with pirates commissioned by the Continental Congress) across the Atlantic, debilitating British supply ships during the Revolutionary War. Over 240 years ago, John Paul Jones went up against the strongest Navy in the world. But in that moment, as I stood in his cold and dark crypt, all I could think about was John Paul Jones - season 15 contestant on The Bachelor. This John Paul Jones was an honest and simple man who went on reality television, not to find love, but instead answer a question we’ve all asked. What if someone went on the Bachelor just to eat all the free food? As you could guess, his voyage into the dark arts of charcuterie were not recognized at the rose ceremony. He was instead eliminated quite quickly. But not before he made his own mark on history. There are not too many similarities between the two John Paul Joneses. But that’s okay.  This week, they both share the honor of being my heroes. Two men, connected by title, but lost though time.