Four Fits From The Brentwood Farmers Market and a White (Credenza) Lie
Reckoned I’d do some recon over at the Brentwood Farmers Market. Is it still fertile grounds for fits? Or instead…another Yelpified West LA wasteland?
You be the judge…
Fit #1 - The Magnificent Levitating Camo Hat
Always be wary of a power lifter in a crisp pair of vans. Especially if his hat levitates above his faux hawk like a helium balloon.
Fit #2 - The Voice Season 3 Runner-Up
Skinny Jeans, boots, and a Tahiti tank. He’d get a chair turn from me.
Fit #3 - The Unlimited Sweatpant
My chief Asia correspondent tells me these sweatpants dig down through Earth’s core and were found emerging from the ground in mainland China.
Fit #4 - The Madewell Messiah
Absolutely nobody is hitting the Madewell Cyber Monday sale harder. He returns to Brentwood on the 7th day. The Lord’s Day. And for that we say, Amen.
A White (Credenza) Lie
How honest should we be at the marketplace?
No, not the farmer’s market. We’re done with that. The Facebook Marketplace…The grand bazaar of the internet where we peruse for lamps with our profile pictures from 2016. It will forever be the final iteration of the Harvard student directory that slowly took over the world. While we grow addicted to its acquired offspring, Instagram and TheWhatsUpApp, at least I hold onto my Facebook account, all for the sake of these lamps, couches, and or a mid century modern credenza I’d rather just not leave out on the curb.
So I listed it. My credenza, that is.
The asking price was $300. I thought it could at least get 2. But my flatmates, Parad and Tyler The Facilitator, were dubious. Even sharing a good belly laugh as I hunched over with my Method spray and cloth, going full-on Olympic curler. And yes, that is the dumbest possible way to say I cleaned it. Within the hour, I got nibbles. Within days, I got full on BITES. But none prevailed. So I dropped it to 200. Radio silence. Fine…How about 150?
Bang. Sold. His name was Actor. All I had to do was be up by 10 on a Saturday morning to meet him.
Fast forward to 10:20 AM on Saturday morning. I’m awoken by a text. It’s Actor…
“Are you sleeping?”
This might be when you’d guess the white (credenza) lie comes into play. Nope. I looked Actor in the eye and told him yes, I did almost sleep through this transaction. He laughed and I knew I saved the sale with some corn fed honesty. I even dropped the price to 150. Why? Because I’m a nice guy and so was he. He was an (obviously) an actor about town and we even used to work at the same stomping grounds. But before a deal was made and a credenza was flipped, Actor asked me where I got it from.? Without blinking, I told him it was left behind in our new apartment. Just needed it gone.
Then, a handshake and Venmo later, I was a liquid man with a mid-century credenza out of my living room and off my conscious. As with any actor, I immediately googled him. The man wasn’t kidding. He had some damn CREDITS. If you’re wondering what blue collar acting work means in Tinsel Town, even TV regulars pull up and buy credenzas off Facebook marketplace. And one TV credit stood out. He regularly puts up shots on a show that friend of the newsletter, Industry Guy, works on too. So I told Industry, whenever he sees him around, to apologize on my behalf to Actor for sleeping on the clock. Oh and also…ask him how he’s liking his new credenza.
Friday night, I got a beer with Industry Guy amongst others, and reminded Industry of this whole Six Degrees of Credenza Bacon situation. Turns out, he asked Actor all about it. And Actor’s response? Apparently I was too honest. Too honest on Facebook Marketplace?
Apparently I should’ve stopped at admitting I slept past the snooze button, because Actor didn’t appreciate hearing that I got the credenza for free. Admitting that it was left behind in our new apartment was too much information. He even found it offensive that I was asking him to pay for it. Industry Guy shockingly agreed. It would’ve been good man procedure to let that one go for free. Actor even suggested to him that if I was dead set on selling it, I should’ve LIED to his face and say I got it from Ikea…Sure, bud.
I took a sip of my Guinness and considered how I’d reply. Should I have given this thing away? Am I cheap? A potion seller? Spinster? Corrupted by my own entrepreneurial spirit? But above all else…why was this man, Actor, specifically asking me to lie for his customer satisfaction? And that’s when I remembered, I already did lie. I was just too deep in the sale to realize it.
So I calmly put down my pint and came clean. I admitted to Industry that I didn’t exactly tell Actor the whole truth. This credenza wasn’t forgotten in the living room or even in my building at all. I just preferred not to leave it out on the curb. Everyone leaned in as I paused dramatically. The curb…THE CURB? Yes. That’s right. The damn curb.
I found that thing on the street and flipped it.
